Get a life: The difference that makes the difference

Examples are entrepreneurs who’ve expanded their business and made money in this economic crisis, “The Biggest Losers”, those who’ve shed kgs working out, who’ve barely exercised in their life.

Think of sportsmen who break records by transcending the human spirit. Then there are the battered wives and single mothers, who having risen from the ashes, go on to become exemplary beacons of hope within their community.
What goes on in their heads, I’ve wondered. At what level does the magic happen? What drives them? Whatever it is, it produces such a force – the energy to be tenacious, proactive, optimistic and resilient. I wager, merely from the strength of their personality, the waters of the Red Sea (or Blue Ocean) will part for them to sail through!

With a sense of curiosity, I began to think, “what if I could be them for a day so that I could work their wonder? What exactly would I need to be thinking? How should I be looking at things? Would I need to elicit an emotion and get into a state to trigger superior behaviour?

There are days when I’ve been less than productive. I think back and remember how harshly I judged myself. Then I feel really bad... ashamed. I should know better. Feeling depressed about that, I head off for chocolate ice-cream.

Working with the presupposition that 1. Because we’re genetically constructed the same way, anything humanly possible can be replicated and 2. No matter how dynamic an experience, everything has a structure, therefore anyone should be able to reproduce similar results once they learn the process, I ask myself, “What piece of their expertise should I imitate?”

My Dick Tracy-Columbo persona begins to emerge. I start to wear the eyes and ears of a pattern detector... looking for habits, drivers, triggers, connections. I want to specify the beliefs, principles and decisions that make the strategy of the star performer so easy and natural.

I talk to people for the distinctions they make, for their step-by-step strategy to get ahead, so that I can powerfully accelerate my own progress. In modelling my subjects, I map their behaviours, states and higher values that govern these exceptional performances.

I work to identify and describe with sufficient detail everything that goes on in the expert’s mind-body-emotion system that allows him or her to produce such high-quality responses.

What do I find? It’s all Neuro-Semantics!

Excellence is all about people creating positive meanings (semantics) in their minds, and those meanings get incorporated into our bodies (neurology).

These meanings show up in our bodies as our emotions. We can have emotions that drive and energise us or emotions that drain and deplete us. Which would you choose?

“In a moment, I want you to close your eyes. Just let your mind float back to a time and place when you learned something so easily and naturally that it hardly seemed like learning, like when you first began to play football... Would sitting in that quiet place help you do that? Good. And as you recall that time...”

Sometimes I resort to hypnosis to find out what I need. Most of what occurs consciously — inside of a strategy — is usually not apparent to the person running the strategy, especially when that person has become an expert in that experience. He or she has moved to the level of unconscious competence. So when modelling an expert, don’t expect him to really explain his strategies to you.

Skills learned early in life transform into automatic and unconscious thinking and behaviour.

That’s why most experts are not aware of the steps, techniques and processes involved in their skills and they may, therefore, often give misleading answers when questioned about these.

Peak performance is a function of two dimensions — consciousness and competence. It involves both knowing what to do and the ability to pull it off.

By modelling, I attempt to identify and draw out the structure of unconscious competencies so that we not only understand what has contributed to this excellence, but we can work to enhance it and transfer it to ourselves in order to raise our own game.

Tongue-tied when asked to speak in public

Q: I’m in Form 5 and I lack the confidence to speak in public. My teachers have said that even though I’m smart, I need to speak up more because communication skills are vital in today’s world. It’s not that I don’t want to but my brain just freezes when I’m in front of a group.

A: Do you know that the No 1 fear in the United States is public speaking? It ranks higher than death! Irrational fears, or phobias, are “caught” usually when we’re young (between 2 and 7 years.)
An event occurs that cements two situations and strong emotions are felt - in your case perhaps you were speaking in front of others and your father mocked you... then there are feelings of embarrassment, fear, humiliation, insult, etc.

It all happens in a split second, but the imprint is so powerful that the experience becomes encapsulated in our psyche and can last a lifetime.
The good news is, as we can learn, we can also unlearn. A good therapist will take you back to the time when the initial event occurred and replace what happened with a more positive meaning. The new feeling, when superimposed over the old, will reduce the unpleasantness of the original experience.

Our brains are miraculous organs. But you know what? We’re superior. We can control our brain! What you need to do is to keep asking yourself, “What does speaking in public mean to me?”

Give the most ordinary answers, i.e. “talking to my friends”. Before that, set some rules. Tell yourself, “Mistake-making is part of learning.” Say, “Whatever I say, will be my best answer for this time”.

Hoping to help quarrelling colleagues

Q: I observed my colleagues arguing and it seemed as though they wanted to resolve matters, but didn’t know how. They would stop and continue. They got nowhere in terms of solutions. Could I have helped if I got involved, or made matters worse by interfering?

A: Ooo... juicy office conflict! I say, when there are no disagreements, someone isn’t thinking. That’s my frame about conflict – it can be a totally positive, totally creative experience. Not everyone will agree with me, though, preferring to toe the line.

The best way to decide if you would get involved or not, is to determine your level of rapport with those guys – how well do you know them, how much do they trust you.

If high, you can facilitate and there are several models for this. One way is to help define the problem. A well-defined problem is a problem half-solved. Or use the STEM technique:

S is about getting specific (what’s the problem).
T is for thoughts (what do you think?).
E is effect or emotions (when I hear that I feel).
M is for move forward (what needs to happen so we can go forward?)

Get both parties to identify and agree to what must stop, what must start, and what they’d both like to see continue.

Sometimes, the best way to help a friend is just to be there for them. It isn’t often that people really need help, I don’t think.

My motto is: “People are completely capable of taking care of themselves.” So I’ll leave them to it (unless my help is particularly solicited) and let them know in as many ways as possible, what kind of a colleague and friend I am.